Until last night, I hadn’t slept in a week. I hadn’t showered in days. My house was a disaster, and that’s putting it lightly.
Somehow, I have found myself in the midst of sleep training (again), weaning (again), teething (again), a horrific diaper rash, and as an added bonus, my dryer broke. All converging at once into a groundhog’s day of living hell. I was on the verge of collapse. I had to have sleep. I had to have a shower. I had to have a moment of quiet. So I caved in and let Ethan sleep in our bed last night…and then the feelings of failure as a mom came washing over me like a tsunami. “I’m failing at sleep training AGAIN.” “Every other mom out there has their baby sleep trained by a year, what’s wrong with me?”. “Other moms succeed the first time, and here I am on try number four.” “I’m on my fourth try to wean him, and here were are in the same boat with sleep training. I just suck.” Add to that my destroyed house, the fact that I haven’t worn any “real clothes” or makeup in a week, let alone maintain proper hygiene, and before long I was riding the guilt bus with enough baggage for a lifetime trip.
Then for whatever reason, I had a mental shift today. (Ok, it wasn’t a “whatever reason”…the reason is named Matt, and he happens to be my husband.) Matt helped put things in perspective, and I’m hoping I can help do the same for any other mamas riding the guilt bus.
Matt gently reminded me that first of all, we started out from the very beginning at a disadvantage with Ethan’s sleep pattern. He spent the first 2 1/2 months of his life in the NICU. He was kept on a strict two-hour schedule that didn’t care whether he was sleeping or not – he would be fed, have his necessary medical care, his temperature checked, diapered, and all the other things that they do. Every day he would have check-ins from doctors, physical therapists, etc. who would poke and prod around the clock, day in and day out. Once we finally took Ethan home from the hospital, this wake-every-two-hours-or-less was firmly engrained in his wiring. And it never left. And that’s once he finally WENT to sleep. until about 12 months, no amount of praying, pleading, begging, “cry-it-out” attempts or cajoling could convince that child to fall asleep before 1am.
Aside from being disadvantaged on the sleep front right out of the gate from the NICU, add on top of that the fact that I have some genetic issues that severely impact my own sleep (a messed-up Circadian rhythm, a dysfunctional Tryptophan pathway – whatever that means, severely reduced Melatonin production, and I’m an extremely slow metabolizer of caffeine. Oh goody.) So in all likelihood Ethan has inherited some of mommy’s awesome sleep genetics.
Hubby also pointed out that every single time we tried to sleep train Ethan, he got horribly sick (as in scary high fever) and we HAD to bring him back in bed with us. When my husband was a child, every time he got a high fever he would have seizures. And now as an adult, he passes out and his heart literally stops beating for a little bit. He spent a week in the cardiac unit of the hospital a few years back after going into the emergency room, unconscious with a high fever. So genetically Ethan is prone to bad things happening when fever hits, on top of the normal scary stuff high fever with illness can bring.
That’s the sleep stuff. As for weaning, every time I tried, he would get horribly sick within a week and/or start teething again, with the accompanying diaper rash that would bleed at every diaper change. He was in pure misery. So I would put it off for another time. And now, I find myself back at it again, along with sleep training, this time ALL AT ONCE (I most certainly did NOT plan to be sleep training AND weaning at the same time – only an insane person would do this by choice.) It’s just the way the cookie crumbled. I had a window open where Ethan wasn’t sick, wasn’t teething, had been successfully taking naps in his crib during the day for a week, and was absent of the clinginess and nursing obsession that accompanies sickness and teething. So I went for it. Time to rip off the bandaid. The first few days went great…he was sleeping almost through the night without much ado. I wasn’t in too much pain from weaning (yet.) So far, so good…until he started teething again. This time his back Molars. Dear Holy God. Any other time I would have caved on BOTH counts (sleeping and weaning) but this time, I pressed on. By yesterday, we were a week in. I was fully engorged and in horrific pain. There has been no sleep in the house for any of us. Ethan’s been in perpetual discontent, ranging from persistent whimpering to break-the-neighbor’s-windows shrieking. The dryer’s broke, the clothes aren’t washed, I had turned into a walking zombie (who was also very stinky and starting to get knots in the hair), and on the verge of falling into a pit of guilt-induced depression because of what a “failure as a mother” I had become.
I’m so thankful I had someone in my life to put things in perspective for me. Last night Matt looked me straight in the face and said, “We all need sleep. Bring Ethan in with us.” So I did…and we all got a glorious night of deep, restorative sleep.
And when morning came, he set me straight when I confessed my feelings of guilt. When he reminded me of all we’ve been up against, of everything happening all at once (what I’ve mentioned here plus other life stuff), how much we’ve been carrying on our shoulders, he helped me see from a bird’s eye view and understand how silly I was for feeling guilty or feeling like a failure. And anyway, he reminded me, why should we care if other parents put on their judgey pants when they hear Ethan still sleeps with us sometimes? Why do we need to explain it away with a list of (valid) excuses why it is so? Just because it happens to be some parent’s philosophy that all children should be sleeping in their own bed by whatever age, or should be made to scream alone in their crib for however many hours without intervention, that doesn’t mean it has to be our approach…and it doesn’t make either set of parents better or worse. They have their own situation and their own unique child that they have to find what works best for; and so do I.
I’m Ethan’s parent, and it’s up to me to do what I feel is best for him based on my intimate knowledge of his history, physical and developmental challenges, emotional limits, circumstances that might be causing him to be unsettled, and in general what things he is struggling to grasp or taking a little longer than other kids to master. It’s also my job to know his strengths and offer opportunities to practice them. If after all these things considered, I feel that my son needs to sleep with his parents longer than his nursery buddies, what is that to them? And if those other parents have some opinion about it, what is that to me? It is irrelevant. I do what’s best for MY son…and sometimes, that means taking care of mommy. Like last night. I failed at sleep training again and my son slept with me. And I snuggled him close, got a fantastic night’s rest, got the mental fortitude I needed to persist in this awful thing called weaning, and I’m pretty sure my son won’t be sleeping with us when he’s 12.
I wanted to share this so that any mama or parent riding the guilt bus can get off and give yourself a break. You’re doing great. You know your child better than anyone else…if someone is giving you judgey vibes, why should they have a vote? They didn’t birth your baby, they don’t know the things you know about your child, that’s why God chose to give YOU this child and not them or anyone else! YOU were the one honored with the gift of this little life totally dependent on you to navigate what’s best. And sometimes, what’s best is tapping out of whatever struggle you are in (sleep training, weaning, getting them off the bottle or the binky, potty training, the list goes on) for a day or two, or put it off for another time altogether, so you get some sleep and save you and your child’s sanity. You’ve got this mama, you’re doing great…stay the course and don’t apologize when what’s best for your family doesn’t fit someone else’s mold. Let your parenting be guided by God’s word, prayer and a few good mentors that you trust to give you advice or intervene if you do go off course – and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Tonight, we’ll be rested and refreshed to get back at it again…all the wiser and much less tired! Wish us luck and may our coffee be strong!