The other day a young person was sharing with me her aspirations to one day be a rich and famous YouTuber. Cue humongous eye roll…I dutifully proceeded to dismiss her idea as ridiculous, ill-informed, not based in reality, and heartily encouraged her to get a real job when she grows up. I did her a big favor and quashed all remaining embers of enthusiasm she had for this path of folly. After mentally patting myself on the back for being an excellent role model, I then returned to plotting how I can someday become a rich and famous blogger. (affiliate link goes here) (and here) (and here) (and here)
P.S. BE WATCHING FOR MY NEW BOOK AND MERCH COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!! (Not really.)
I set her back on the straight and narrow to becoming a cubicle zombie, like any good and decent and responsible adult.
Ok not really. Yes, there was a young person who shared this aspiration, but I didn’t squash her hopes and dreams. I wished her the best and gently encouraged a back-up plan “just in case.” And I most certainly do not aspire to be a rich and famous blogger. No introvert ever wanted to be famous on purpose! But I’d take the “rich” part.
This did get me thinking, though. About my son’s future and how I should parent him through some of those crazy ideas we as humans tend to get about what we might like to do “when we grow up.” I couldn’t help but wonder what a parent’s obligations are, if any, to encourage and support (or not) their child’s passion, especially if that child shows a great amount of skill and dedication in said passion. This post is entirely philosophical (in other words, probably useless and boring). Just a mind dump on digital paper. Amber’s unsolicited thoughts on life.
So, what do you think? Do you encourage your budding little such and such to be the next big so and so? After all, Henri Matisse cut out bits of colored paper and glued them together and is known as one of the greatest artists ever. Most of us stopped doing that in kindergarten but obviously, his passion worked out for him.
In this day and age (OMG I sound just like my parents), with the economy being what it is, finding a job that pays a living wage (even if one has a fancy degree) becoming less and less the norm, inflation and crime out of control, and add to that the other issue of all the kids who are no longer kids still living at mom’s on a part-time job whilst playing video games all night long…anyway, if you don’t want your kid to be that, and you want to set them up to not be eaten alive succeed in this world as it is…do you encourage your child to pursue skills most likely to support that aim even if it means squelching their true heart’s desire? Is it our duty to give them a “reality check” and pull the plug on their basket-weaving passion early on? Or just the opposite? Do we let them live in our basement until the age of 45, waiting for their gifts and passions to converge in a fated, holy moment of serendipitous opportunity? If they end up miserable in their soul but have safety, shelter, and plenty of food courtesy of a “real job” not aligned with their passion, did we fail or succeed as a parent? What of the opposite?
For parents over the age of 40 with babies or very young children, add to this conundrum the complexity of knowing you won’t be around to catch them if they fall nearly as long as some of your much younger counterparts. Does that change anything? Should it?
Once upon a time, ever since a little kid, all I ever wanted to be was an artist. I was going to be THE next big thing…I practiced a ton, went to a private high-quality atelier for several years and studied with a phenomenal teacher; I took even more college classes and private lessons as the years went on, and even sold a few things here and there, but honestly…my art sucks. It’s fair to middlin’ at best. And yet I know the angst of working at a “real job” that I hated while enjoying the security of always having plenty to pay my own bills and the good feeling that comes from not mooching off the good graces of others. I still get to enjoy my art as a hobby; is my love of the art-making process itself enough to be fulfilling, or do I need to make my life’s entire occupation and purpose revolve around “making it” as an artist? Fast forward to now; I have a spouse and a small child who depend on me. Fulfilling my responsibilities leaves little time for artistic pursuits. Would it be right to put these responsibilities aside in order to pursue what I deem most fulfilling? Would I encourage my son to do the same to his family when he is grown? On the other hand, would I want his passions and dreams to go by the wayside and his soul to wither a little more each day as he faces “the grind” in the name of duty and responsibility? Would we all be happier if we pursued our passions but lived in a “Van Down By The River?”
So what I’m asking is, do we encourage our children to determine their path by means of reason, or by means of passion?
One might say it’s a tightrope in between; letting one inform the other, and borrowing the best from each. If you stopped here and did nothing more than this, you would do well. But if you happen to be a Christian, I would actually say it is neither. The only correct response for a person who claims to follow Jesus is to discover God’s purpose for their life and allow it to be the only driving force behind all they do; and to cultivate their God-given passions on His terms and keep them always submitted and surrendered to Him. And above all, this should be the lesson we aim to teach our children. It doesn’t matter if we are 15 or 45 as a parent…nothing changes in how we should approach this topic. What’s right is right. The younger person has more time and will be around longer to help their child through some of the learning curve into later adulthood; the older parent, on the other hand, has a huge leg up on skills, wisdom and experience they’ve amassed over their (many extra) years, and can pass this on to their child in a condensed fashion, potentially cutting huge amounts of time off of said learning curve. Starting early or starting late, they both have pros and cons. But the way we as Christians guide our children in this area is the same.
My own conclusion is that putting our responsibility to God and our families first, even when it requires great sacrifice of our own passions and desires, leads to the most fulfillment a person can possibly experience in this life. This is a lesson we must teach our children…when we have others depending on us, we do whatever is necessary. We must learn to carry our own weight, and later on, carry both the weight of ourselves and of others who depend upon us. Whether this looks like taking a job we don’t enjoy or taking on home and childcare duties that consume all our time, leaving hardly any resources for our true passions, our families come before ourselves. This seems counterintuitive to a fulfilled life. But putting our own desires first, no matter how sincere or passionate we are about them, will only lead to emptiness. I think this is the lesson we need to teach our children from the get-go. Keeping this mindset always at the forefront will help filter out most of the “silliness” that youth, and our own hearts and minds corrupted by sin, conjure up.
There have been many “passions” I have felt throughout my life, things I thought at the time would be fulfilling if I abandoned all and pursued wholeheartedly. And most of these things, I can tell you, were a terrible idea in hindsight and something I’m not even interested in now. Some of these follies I persisted in until they fizzled out and left me empty. Others, thankfully, were left by the wayside as God directed me according to His purpose. Looking back I can see how vain and empty those things were and where they would have taken me. Some weren’t necessarily bad things by any means, but wouldn’t have taken me into the fullness of God’s plan for my life. And I think many of you would agree, that this is the aim we have as parents for our children…to help them, in turn, find and fulfill GOD’S PURPOSE for them. Not our own, not their own, not anyone else’s.
All that to say, we shouldn’t be driven by passion OR reason…we should be directed by God’s purpose alone.
And because He is a good and loving God, he incorporates our passions and desires into His wonderful plan, but only the ones that are truly of His design. As it so happens, one of the primary ways God filters out the passions that truly are from Him, and those that are not, is by letting us go through testing seasons of life where we must put duty first, put passions aside, persist in sacrificial living for a (sometimes very long) time. And often it is then, when all hope of ever being able to incorporate that God-given passion into our life seems gone, the moment comes that we can find its full expression. But now it is purified, tested, and perfected to be used for God’s glory and in a way that benefits not only ourselves but others in a much bigger way than it ever could before.
I believe one of our greatest duties to our children is to help discover and cultivate the God-given passions and purpose inside of them. We must prayerfully observe our kids, give them ample opportunities to explore and practice their interests and skills, and know when to demand that they stick to something and when to let them move on to something else (i.e. if they are clearly not cut out for the soccer team – thanks, mom!). As they grow, help them find the balance between fulfilling their duty and pursuing their passion…and walking the tightrope that ultimately perfects them both. Help them to know that through the trials and tests of life, one’s purpose is purified, and only after do we have something truly good to give.
We aren’t to be driven by reason (work as many hours as I can, make as much money as I can, become entirely self-sufficient until I no longer have a need for God and no longer acknowledge the desires He has placed within me) or Passion (forsake duty, forsake responsibility, be driven by whims we mistake for passions, at the expense of our family, and allowing the selfish pursuit and illusion of “self-fulfillment” be our all-in-all). We are to be driven by God’s purpose, cultivating those passions He has created within us as He allows, in the midst of living for Him and others. This is the lesson we are to grasp ourselves and hopefully pass along to our children.
So, returning to the young girl who wants to be a famous You-Tuber…what if someday that is my child? What if, when they’re a little older, they are convinced they are “meant to be” an artist, musician, or what have you? As a parent, what are we to do? Well, all I can do is tell you what I plan to do…but my child is 17 months old, so I’m no fount of wisdom. However, I am surrounded by many who ARE…this is all advice I’ve received from, or things I’ve experienced personally by, my parents, pastors, and mentors. This is solid gold, handed down from them to me to you, free of charge! Here’s a list:
- Give all the opportunities you can when they are young to explore their skills and interests; see if one or two things consistently stand out as something they do well and brings them joy
- Insist that your child practices that skill or interest on a regular basis; don’t let them give up when it gets hard unless it clearly isn’t the right thing for them (again, back to those soccer games…trying to block that out of my memory)
- Invest in professional lessons and provide exposure to the work of masters in that particular field
- Consider whether this pursuit aligns with God’s Word…is it selfish? Is it worldly? Does it help or hurt God’s Kingdom and Message? God’s purpose for us and our children won’t contradict His Holy Word, ever. No exceptions.
- Pray…every day. Ask for wisdom and insight to see His purpose for your child and fan those passions that are from Him into flame. Squelch those that are not. Ask for help in knowing the difference.
- Know the difference between a passion and a hobby. It’s ok to have hobbies that aren’t part of our life purpose…(i.e. my terrible art). Don’t overreact if your child geeks out on rock collecting, or drawing Anime (ok I would overreact to this one – gag me!), or dare I say, playing video games. As long as they aren’t trying to plan their whole future around this particular interest, we probably don’t need to spend three days of fasting and intercession to determine whether this is the “right path for them.” Ok, depending on the video game, you might need to do that, but usually not. Let them have lots of wholesome hobbies and don’t micromanage these.
- Have the talk with them when they’re at the right age (I have no idea when that is) about how they plan to pay their bills if what they want to do doesn’t pan out. Make sure they are willing to take whatever job they need to until their prayers and passions open the door to what they were really wanting. Let them know this is all par for the course on one’s path to finding and fulfilling one’s purpose.
- Related to the point above, make sure you equip them with some valuable job skills that will see them through tough or uncertain times. Even if they don’t want to go to a traditional college, have them take a few courses in computers, writing, etc. Require them to get a part-time job for the summer while living at home as teenagers to gain some skills and find out what they like and are good at (or the opposite!)
- Teach them that relying on others or the government to pay their bills and provide necessities while they “pursue their passion” isn’t an option. Doing what we love full-time is something we have to earn the right to; in the meantime, we squeeze it in between our job, family life, and other obligations. We must pay our own way.
- It’s in the midst of this frustration and struggle that we are driven to humble ourselves and cry out to God for help and answers; for Him to make a way for our heart’s true purpose and desire to be expressed. This is where the good stuff happens!
- Let them know that at the end of the day, they can let go, have peace, and trust that God has their life in His hands as long as they are faithful to remain in Him. To never give up on that passion, to keep practicing every spare moment they can find, to keep investing in the purpose God has placed in them…and at the right time, it will have it’s moment.
As for my art? I was spending time in fasting and prayer at the beginning of this year, and I was praying about wanting to be able to pursue my art with greater intent and do more with it. But in response, I felt strongly that God was asking me to surrender this passion of mine and keep it in the “hobby” domain for now. In the future, if He wants to unleash it for a greater purpose, He can. But I felt He directed me to focus on something entirely different and rather new this year…prayer and writing. Prayer as the bedrock of my life (nothing new there), but writing? Now that’s a passion I haven’t had since my teen years…but once upon a time, it was there. And for whatever reason, He’s pulling it out of the attic of my spirit and dusting it off. That’s why I started this blog. I have no idea what to write about…and I didn’t feel any direction given from Him on the topic. “Just start writing and I’ll lead you. Write about anything.” Ok, so here goes! I trust that if I heard the voice of the Lord correctly, I will have confirmation somehow. If I missed it entirely? Oh well, It’ll be one more blog floating out there in the universe amongst billions of other blogs that no one ever reads, with no harm done. Nothing to lose but a little pride and the time I could’ve spent sketching some terrible doodles.
What is some advice you have, or have been given, on how to find the balance in parenting our children in their passions? Would you encourage your child to pursue becoming a full-time You-Tuber? Ok, that last one was a joke, but if you actually would, I’m curious to know. Thanks for reading, I hope to hear your thoughts!