Happy Valentine’s Day!! Here’s to hoping that in the midst of all the chaos of either dealing with fertility treatments, or handling a tiny Tasmanian Devil, or dealing with the grief of a battle with infertility, you were able to put your spouse or Significant Other back on the pedestal they deserve and ACTUALLY REMEMBER IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY TODAY. I sort of didn’t see it coming up so fast and totally failed to go out and buy my deserving hubby a real card or gift; I did, however, remember that it’s V-day right in the nick of time to be able to write him a long and mushy love-letter. He brought me expensive chocolates and took me out to a nice dinner and all he got was a letter on notebook paper trying to pass itself off as a real Valentine’s Day Card. The poor, longsuffering man that he is, he didn’t complain. I don’t deserve him. I shall redeem myself by offering a long back massage; it always gets me back in his good graces.
This was the first childless date that we’ve been on in a very, very long time. I try to save up all my babysitting requests for things like doctor & dentist appointments. It’s also been so long since I’ve worn high-heels and date-night-level-makeup, it was nice to have an excuse to make the effort. As I was scrambling in a frantic dash to get myself ready and out the door in time, it hit me that a year ago today, we had our VERY FIRST DATE WITHOUT ETHAN – EVER! Last year on Valentine’s Day, he was a day shy of 6 months old. I spent the first 2 1/2 months of his life in the NICU with him, and after we took him home, we didn’t go anywhere, ever. My husband went to work and came right home; we went to church (sometimes, when we actually got sleep – we missed a lot.) I had my groceries delivered. I barely bathed. It was a big deal to walk down the street just to check the mail – I started getting lots of nastygrams from the post office telling us to empty our box more often, or else.
This slowly morphed into our new normal and without realizing it, we sort of forgot that we as humans with spouses need alone time and dates with said spouse, and sometimes we need a reason to put real clothes on (and deodorant, and brush our hair) and get all fancied up. And have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around diapers, parenting issues, or dare I say it, all the good stuff about our awesome baby boy. Sometimes we forget that there are other topics in our life that need our attention and/or are worthy conversation topics in their own right.
I can’t believe it’s been a whole year – in a blink of an eye. It got me thinking how depressingly little we make time for just us to focus on each other and our marriage – to check in with each other and let the other share their dreams, fears, hopes, vents, frustrations, and give the update on what is actually happening in each other’s life. It’s easy to take for granted that our spouse has an entire life happening without our presence or awareness, and the only way for us to be a part of that huge chunk of their existence is if we actually take time to be together and share!
We had an awesome time at dinner; it wasn’t very long; we were both so tired we headed back pretty quickly after eating. But even in that short time together, without having the baby screaming in the background or tugging at our ankles demanding our attention, or having to worry that someone left the bathroom door open and he might be headfirst upside down drowning in the toilet as we sit trying to enjoy a cup of coffee…we were able to connect, to rekindle, and to be reminded that we need to start dating each other again. I realized tonight how much I miss my spouse. I’ve lost touch with my best friend and it’s time to start prioritizing each other again.
If we’re not careful, we can find ourselves constantly in “crisis management mode” just dealing with tantrums, teething, diaper blow-outs, and the like. This becomes the normal way of living day-in and day-out and we can forget to give some energy and attention to the things and people that make life pleasant.
According to this study, some of the things that cause spouses to lose connection after having a child are:
- Conflicts over parenting
- Difficulty spending time with one another
- Fatigue and lack of sleep
- Financial challenges
- Intimacy issues
- Lack of support
- No alone time
- Stress caused by trying to juggle kids, work, relationships, and other obligations
Of course, if after having a child we find ourselves struggling with one or more of the things on this list, it doesn’t spell failure!
It’s only natural that a person dealing with any or all of the above would find themselves stretched a little too thin and become a little less friendly. But we can beat, not be, the statistic!
Here are some of the changes I hope to make and strategies I plan to implement in order to reconnect with my spouse and make him a priority while juggling the challenges of raising a toddler:
- Stop living reactively. Get a calendar, keep a daytimer and plan date nights.
- Set aside a specific slot of time or part of the day where all else gets put on pause and I intentionally
force my husband to talkconnect with my hubby on how our day was, thoughts on life, etc. - Hit the “reset” button in my brain and emotions where I might be taking my husband for granted and have stopped noticing him as himself instead of just as “my husband.” He is his own person who is constantly growing and changing and I should never assume I know all there is to know about him. Make it a point to get to know him more through each season of our life. Respect and appreciate him for who he is outside of the “husband” role and see his full worth aside from just how he is connected to me as his wife.
- Be intentional in our budget to set aside some money for dates (as in, this will probably go on a credit card but so worth it.) Make sure these dates make it onto the calendar ahead of time.
- Don’t only have “impromptu dates.” This is pretty much all we have at the moment, and they always involve bringing Ethan with us. Be intentional about “planned ahead with a babysitter” dates. These make each other feel like we actually care enough to plan it out ahead of time.
- Take turns planning the date. I always feel bad when I want to do something he doesn’t particularly enjoy; if we take turns planning the date, we each get an equal say in what we do, where we eat, etc and removes any guilt factor. It will also give us something to look forward to.
- Pick a day of the week that becomes the “we don’t make plans on this day if at all possible” day to create a ritual of back-massages, a hot cup of tea, and the like. A time to reconnect and defragment the brain.
- Evaluate where my habits and communication (or lack thereof) might be making life suck for my husband, and seek to change or at least improve a little at a time. I’m not the best housekeeper. It’s not really fair to my OCD husband, but he just suffers in silence. Just because he doesn’t outwardly criticize or complain doesn’t give me the right to force him to live with something that makes him miserable. If anything, it’s all the more reason for me to change. Housekeeping is just one example. I also could use a makeover in my communication and tone of voice when I’m stressed. My husband deserves to live with a loving and supportive wife who speaks to him kindly, even under pressure.
- I will continue to evaluate and be proactive to notice and change whatever things I do that make life unpleasant for him. I know he does the same for me. We are both a work in progress, inspired by love to change for the benefit of the other.
I know this list might be overambitious, but better to aim for the moon, right? I already found a cool household planner and chore chart online that I downloaded, which is meant for very disorganized people like me. I tend to fit the stereotype of an artist living in “creative chaos” a little too well. Next, I’m off to scour Amazon for a good yearly calendar and start planning those date nights! I’m already so excited. Now, to find a babysitter…
I’d love to hear in the comments or on the FB page more tips, tricks and advice that you may have discovered in the effort to stay connected to your spouse in the midst of the pressures of baby life!